Evolution of being
Born out of wedlock, a hybrid, a child,
In her childhood, she was denied
Not to be seen, not to be heard.
Just considered to be quite weird
Left alone, in a mixed up family that is,
Life is what happened, without any bliss
Just do what is told, and be a good child”
And all that happened is that inside she died
She could no longer stand it, this loveless life
Tired of fighting, accusations and strife
Killing herself was the best thing to do
Nowhere a welcome, her life was through
Waking up, numb and all alone,
And again those people “why do you moan?”
She made a decision, with a clear head
She should live life for herself, not be theirs “instead”
Meeting a man, handsome and strong,
She had the hope to him she belongs
He builds her a future, he builds her a house
But he had no intentions to make her his spouse
Shattered hopes and shattered dreams,
It was her fault, again, so it seems
Kicking and screaming, deaf to her own voice
And again she made a terrible choice
Picking up the pieces of a life that’s gone by,
Feeling incomplete, and inside she cried
Mixed interpretations, not understood
If only they talked, if only they could
And life moved on, back to school she went
This was living, life was an event
Feasts and discussions, homework and more
and fading away was her life of before
But the feelings she had for him that she left,
still lingered unconsciously, by her own doing bereft
they stayed out of reach, they stayed out of touch
She lived on, she thought, but not very much
Meeting a guy, with a faint smile
He was there, still is, at least for a while
different future, a life, another dream,
And inside her own voice, unable to scream
Giving birth and breaking up,
She could not progress, this was too much
And again picking up pieces, In Life’s squandered pursuit,
This was not was what meant, this is not how it should
A couple of years, parenthood shared,
What was she doing, what was ahead?
And over and over and over again
She was haunted, hunted down by good “men “
Many years followed, on the surface all well
She was, amongst others, under society’s spell
Big house, fast car, excellent career and more.
And again, this frail feeling, just like before
Instead being hunted, she started to hunt,
At first very careful but sometimes real blunt
She hunted for right, she hunted for good
She hunted for … a life, still not understood
Her voice suffocated, in need of fresh air,
Her voice ever so silent became in despair
It wanted to roar, it wanted to sing
But most of all it wanted to its best thing
To scream out all the hurting, the suffer, the pain
To scream out all that hatred, and not in vain
Morning has broken, a new dawn occurred
Alive and kicking with
A VOICE TO BE HEARD
Quote from Celtic Lore and Spellcraft of the dark Goddess by Stephanie Woodfield:
Like Badb, Nemain is a Goddess of battle and victory. While she is deadly and fearsome to her enemies, she is a protector to those she chooses as her champions.
Many years ago I read a book about Boudicca, and I was intrigued by the story of this Great Iceni Queen. In one of her personal struggles, she called out to Nemain. And that name got a hold on me. I liked it. So years later, when the Morrigan make their presence very clear to me, I choose that name for my alias, along with the name Cwmbrân, which means valley of the river Brân… Brân in Welsh means crow. So very appropriate.
And as it is my experience with all the shapes (the ones I read about and my personal experience with them) they reveal their meaning when the time is right! Now, I must be honest, at first, I just picked the name and did not think about it much. But in this life stage (50+ and menopause) I automatically had to reevaluate my life with everything that came my way from the moment on I picked that name. hard work, I can assure you, and to be frank, sometimes real scary, but in a good way. I just needed to confront myself, to myself. Which aspects of my life were not “lived” so well, what was a really lacking, what did I miss? Which choices did I make, which lessons of life were learned the hard way? What was the “red thread” in my life, which themes did occur over and over again. And she showed me.
A good reader of my poem ‘Evolution of being’ shows a story about a girl who is evolving from puberty to womanhood. And I have a couple of reasons to put Nemain at the feast of Beltane.
This is Beltane
The night when Goddess and God become one
From their union, all life flows
I honour the Lord and Lady of life
And ask as they bring forth new life
That I too may bring my dreams and desires to fruition
(part of a poem from Celtic Lore and Spell craft of the dark Goddess by Stephanie Woodfield)
There is, I believe, a deeper meaning of the feast of Beltane. A cross-quarter day, when qualities of the elements are shape shifting so to speak, at a time that Air and Fire are equal, both balanced. And what else is happening in puberty? Youngsters scream a lot, fighting for their right to be, to be seen and heard. A fire runs through their blood, exploring all kinds of feelings. Hormones raging through their veins.
And, the same is happening at another cross-quarter day, Samhain, where Badb reigns. And Beltane is standing opposite of the feast of Samhain. They are mirroring each other, the same aspects but in a different light. Another connection is that they (Badb and Nemain) are both connected to Neit, whether “they” were aspects of the same deity or two different deities do not matter, for me it made sense.
Now Nemain is also known for her Venom. And that one was a bit tricky. Venom comes with snakes… and in Ireland, there were no snakes in the old days. So where did this venom come from? Venom is fluid, and when you speak, or scream in the case of Nemain (just like those adolescents can ) the venom is heard in the words, floating on air, from a fire within, heated words, with a lot of emotion.
Puberty also brings the tide that you have to (whether you like it or not) balance your own qualities, the qualities given by nature and nurture. What nature gives you is a unique set of DNA. What nurture gives you is your behaviour.
At Beltane not only the God and Goddess on the outside world come together, also on the inside world. And when their union is incomplete, there is no new life. You will not be ready for the next stage in your life. It happens to a lot of people. Especially in modern society, where everyone, with their own unique skills and gifts, is squeezed into a glove that does not fit. We are ruled by society, not reign.
So, to honour Nemain, find your own voice, get in balance, be ready for the next stage, make your own, unique and personal choices. And when you are not heard, START SCREAMING. Basically, that is the message from a modern Nemain. To overcome your inner demons and life’s battles, to follow your own inner voice, with a voice that is loud and clear.